Emotions and Anxiety

Monday January 24th 2011

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me.  Like I have said before, many times, this last couple of years have been really hard.  I (we) have had a lot of things happen to us that I just feel like it has been way too much for me to handle.  There are days I feel it in my chest, I can just feel my anxiety actting up really bad and then I am done for.

I used to be very outgoing, always talked to my neighbors etc etc., but now I feel very unwelcome in our neighborhood and when I went to church yesterday I felt it even more, the reason for the anxiety.  I had to leave R.S. cause I couldn't take it anymore. 

I try not to let things bother me but things just do and I am a very emotional person therefore I feel like things are worse for me.

I hate that when I go to things there are "favoritisms' going on.  I hate that out of the like 20 kids that had a baptism last year, Savanah was the only one without a picture on the wall and her program was a mess.  I spent a lot of time on it and then it didn't get done to how I had it in the end and I was furious but what was I to do on her special day?

I hate that the only time my neighbors talk to me is when I am at church.  Am I only good enough to talk to if I go to church?

The prophet and apostles teach us all the time how we need to be a friend and a ,missionary to our neighbors, but no one really does.  They think they do but they don't, unless something happens.  Why can't people be nice to others when things aren't going wrong? And be their friend all the time instead of just when they feel like it?

I didn't have really any good friends during school, I was shy and poor so I wasn't good enough to have friends I guess.  So I have made it my goal to be a friend to everyone.  Well I tried and I just got hurt in the end.  I don't talk to anyone anymore, yesterday was the first time in months that I have been to church and I don't think I will be back cause I emotionally can not handle the unwelcomeness that I feel.

I have learned a valuable lesson living here:  Don't make good friends and talk to them about your feelings because you will just get hurt in the end.  Cause obviously they aren't the friends they say they are.  Am I ever going to try to make new friends?  Probably Not.  My emotions can't handle it and I don't want to be miserable.  I am on an Anti anxiety/ Depression medicine that does help me a lot but when you are told that you are a bad mom etc etc. then that medicine is not going to work.

If you don't have anything nice to say then DON'T say it.  You never know who you will hurt by saying it and you never know what that person will do when they just can't take it anymore.

I ask myself everyday why?  Everyone says that the lord only gives you what you can handle... Well it's not true.  I can't handle it!  I feel like I have been at the end of what I can handle for a long time. 

I am excited to move... I want to "start over" with my life.  There is nothing here keeping me here.  I'm not going to miss anything.  Well maybe the cute little girls next door to me... They are the sweetest things.  But that is not going to keep me somewhere I can't handle living anymore.

I said at the beginning of the year that I am going to make sure that there will be some good changes in my life, well this is one of them! 

Here is to a GREAT 2011!