Anxiety

My anxiety is KILLING ME!  Between everything that has happened in the last year, the move and other stuff that I can't even talk about, I feel like I am going to explode.  Right now it is 2 in the morning and I can't sleep (nothing new, really) but I just keep thinking of all this last year plus stuff that is going on now and it is just so much to handle.  I want to get things off my chest but I don't know if it is the right thing to do.  Grr....  I know I am just a complainer!!!  OH well.  At least no one is reading it but me!

GAH!!!

I can NOT wait to move out of this neighborhood!  People are so two faced and rude etc etc.  I think they just go to church to think that they are good.  But they never listen to what the prophet says because they sure do make people feel like Crap!  GAH.... I can't wait to get away from here so I don't have to have the anxiety I have everyday.  Then Hopefully I can forget about them!!!!

Emotions and Anxiety

Monday January 24th 2011

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me.  Like I have said before, many times, this last couple of years have been really hard.  I (we) have had a lot of things happen to us that I just feel like it has been way too much for me to handle.  There are days I feel it in my chest, I can just feel my anxiety actting up really bad and then I am done for.

I used to be very outgoing, always talked to my neighbors etc etc., but now I feel very unwelcome in our neighborhood and when I went to church yesterday I felt it even more, the reason for the anxiety.  I had to leave R.S. cause I couldn't take it anymore. 

I try not to let things bother me but things just do and I am a very emotional person therefore I feel like things are worse for me.

I hate that when I go to things there are "favoritisms' going on.  I hate that out of the like 20 kids that had a baptism last year, Savanah was the only one without a picture on the wall and her program was a mess.  I spent a lot of time on it and then it didn't get done to how I had it in the end and I was furious but what was I to do on her special day?

I hate that the only time my neighbors talk to me is when I am at church.  Am I only good enough to talk to if I go to church?

The prophet and apostles teach us all the time how we need to be a friend and a ,missionary to our neighbors, but no one really does.  They think they do but they don't, unless something happens.  Why can't people be nice to others when things aren't going wrong? And be their friend all the time instead of just when they feel like it?

I didn't have really any good friends during school, I was shy and poor so I wasn't good enough to have friends I guess.  So I have made it my goal to be a friend to everyone.  Well I tried and I just got hurt in the end.  I don't talk to anyone anymore, yesterday was the first time in months that I have been to church and I don't think I will be back cause I emotionally can not handle the unwelcomeness that I feel.

I have learned a valuable lesson living here:  Don't make good friends and talk to them about your feelings because you will just get hurt in the end.  Cause obviously they aren't the friends they say they are.  Am I ever going to try to make new friends?  Probably Not.  My emotions can't handle it and I don't want to be miserable.  I am on an Anti anxiety/ Depression medicine that does help me a lot but when you are told that you are a bad mom etc etc. then that medicine is not going to work.

If you don't have anything nice to say then DON'T say it.  You never know who you will hurt by saying it and you never know what that person will do when they just can't take it anymore.

I ask myself everyday why?  Everyone says that the lord only gives you what you can handle... Well it's not true.  I can't handle it!  I feel like I have been at the end of what I can handle for a long time. 

I am excited to move... I want to "start over" with my life.  There is nothing here keeping me here.  I'm not going to miss anything.  Well maybe the cute little girls next door to me... They are the sweetest things.  But that is not going to keep me somewhere I can't handle living anymore.

I said at the beginning of the year that I am going to make sure that there will be some good changes in my life, well this is one of them! 

Here is to a GREAT 2011!

Gratefulness = Happiness?

December 9th 2010

I read a post and would like to "contribute" to what it said...  (My thoughts on it)

This is a part of the post.

"grateful people are happy people. They are friendly, positive, and others are attracted to them. The opposite is also true; ungrateful people are blaming, negative, and unattractive to others."

I am a grateful person.  I am grateful for what I have, that doesn't mean I am always happy.  No one is always happy.   Everyone has bad days and it's the friendly people who are attractive to people cause they don't judge or treat you negatively when you have a bad day.

I am a emotional person, that is just me.  No I don't like to be and God knows that I have tried to not let things bother me so bad, but I have been hurt so much in my life that it is hard when someone treats you wrong and continues in little ways to say something about it.  I am not perfect nor never will be, but I will NEVER tell someone that they are a bad person or that they need therapy or are just a bunch of high school drama just to make me feel better.  I feel good when I treat someone with the respect that everyone deserves.  I am very friendly and I am always helpful.  I get a HIGH from serving others.  Why would I put myself down by being a negative friend/neighbor?

I am always putting myself in situations where I am the one that gets hurt, so why put myself in those situations?  I do it all the time and my family always says "why do you do that to yourself?"  My answer is... Because I LOVE helping people and doing whatever I can to help them.  I have been trying to "remove" myself from getting hurt.  It is sad the way people treat others then try to give excuses as why they did what they did.  There is NO excuse for treating people wrong PERIOD!

I had a neighbor boy, 5 years old, walk past my house with his mom while I was outside.  As he went by he said "oh no there's Stacey, we have to get away from her"  Who does that???

Kids listen to EVERYTHING you say!

If I have ever treated YOU badly, then I am truly sorry because I know how it feels to be that person.  I never try to treat anyone bad, but like I said I am not perfect and everyone makes mistakes.  You just have to learn from them.  I have made mistakes in my life that I have learned from now, but I will be the better person for being the kind and friendly person that I try to be.

I am Grateful that I am who I am.  I may not be happy all the time (I have had a bad year)

Thank You to those that have continued to treat me as I/you would want to be treated.  You are the people that make others GRATEFUL for the friends/family that you have. 

Here's to making 2011 the Best Year Ever!

Why do I try????

August 23rd 2010

I don't even know why I try anymore... Everytime I do it gets slapped in my face. I have no right to feelings I guess because my feelings are WRONG! Why I don't know? Now I just get treated like crap because of my feelings! I can't change who I am so if you don't like how I am then don't try to be my friend! Don't try to Change ME!

New

Sometimes you just need to vent!  I like to write the things I feel inside down, kinda like a journal.  But to me typing is so much easier.  So I decided to do a Blog on it.... I don't plan on anyone reading it anyways.  I won't be sharing this blog with anyone I know, because sometimes you just have to vent about them.  It just feels better to get it all out.

 I have a family blog that i have been venting on and I am going to transfer all the ones I did from there to here.  I don't want them there anymore.  It will be more appropriate.