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When I did my post it was 4 in the morning cause I couldn't sleep.  All I was doing was thinking of the things that had happened that week.  I also wanted to share my story so others can know what someone like me goes through to even attempt something like that.  I have never thought in my wildest dreams that I would even try.  Nobody really knows what someone feels inside.  ON the outside it may seem everything is ok, that is why I try to not judge someone.  People here in Utah are way to judgmental and as soon as my husband is out of school.  (Oh yeah me too) then we are out of here!  I want to be surrounded by people that aren't so judgmental.

Anyways, here is what happened....  It was a very hard day for me I was crying a lot and my meds just weren't working.  Yes, there were thoughts that if I was dead I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore but I would never think I would try to do something to end my life.  I take 3 pills every night.  Zoloft, Cymbalta, and Ambien.  Have you heard stories about ambien?  They are crazy.  I would only take 1/2 a pill because when I took a full pill I would have crazy dreams and do weird things in my sleep.  All my pills in my medicine container were all cut in 1/2.  That night I was just plain exhausted so I wanted to get a good night sleep.  So instead of taking my normal 1/2 pill I took 2- 1/2 pills (whole).  A while later when it took effect I guess I got up and went to take another pill not realizing what I was doing.  By the way this is all according to my husband, I don't remember much.  So I grabbed the other bottle and said "I'll be dead by morning" and tried to dump the whole bottle down me.  But my husband grabbed it fast enough that I couldn't.  I guess another 1/2 pill fell onto the pillow so I hurried and grabbed it and swallowed.  Chad had no idea how many I took so he immediately dialed 911.  My intentions were just out of my control.  I have lots of stories I could share that I did while I was on a full ambien.

I want to share this part because there is NO way a pill and 1/2 will kill someone period.  I know I scared my husband and I am so sorry to scare him and my kids.  I love them way to much to do something like that.  I am now on different meds.  Abilify and Cymbalta and it seems to be helping a lot.  Oh and instead of ambien I take Temazapan which is a TON better.  I can go to sleep, not do weird things and wake up feeling refreshed.  I also usually wake up around 6:30.  That is crazy early for me.  But now I will be wide awake to get my kids off to school without feeling drained.

I have some friends that don't judge me and I am so thankful for them.  My last post was about my feelings but I now know that the friends I have 1 being my sister love me no matter what and are there for me no matter what.  They don't judge me or tell me nasty things.  They love me for who I am.

You know who you are!  Love you guys to pieces and thanks for always being there and not judging me or try to change me.

Life is good too good to leave this early!

I have always tucked my kids in at night and told them how much I love them (plus throughout the day).  I will never change that.


(Please keep the comments positive or I will not post them.  Thanks)

My suicide attempt

Last night I had a way too familiar feeling of a dream.  Unfortunately, to me, I believe it could end up being true.  Well, parts of it.  I have always since one of my childhood birthdays have always felt left out. Never included in anything.  Well today at the age of 33, I still feel the same.  Not only that I feel like a loner, I feel that nobody likes me and that I possibly have done something to make others hate me, but don't know for the life of me what that could be.  And as hard as I try, I can't get over those feelings.  People always tell me "just don't worry about it" or "don't let it bug you"  BUT MY MIND WON'T LET ME.  I've tried numerous times and it just makes me feel worse.

Then a few years ago I moved into what I thought was going to be the biggest blessing in my life and it turned into my hell.  I made friends, and a lot of them.  Something I have never had.  (Thought I had once but then I got pregnant out of wed lock and the friends I needed most turned their backs on me.  I was a bad influence.)  This neighborhood was AMAZING. At the beginning I made 2 amazing friends, or so I thought.  I was having a LOT of problems then and I would complain my problems to them wanting some support, someone to say "It's ok Stacey, We love you no matter what"  But that backfired and my amazing friends turned their backs on me once again.  I couldn't handle it, they meant more to me at that time then they could ever even imagine and I cried everyday because I just complained to much.  I thought I could go to them to tell them my problems but they did not like that at all.  So once again I lost friends, I was a complainer they said and nothing but "high school drama".  All I wanted was them to listen to my point of view but it was the wrong one because they couldn't see it that way. 
 Then my sister had her "accident" and the friends I needed the most weren't there for me.  I struggled hard, really hard.  Not one phone call, not one visit to see how I was doing, NOTHING!  I felt as if these "friends" were bad mouthing me to the neighborhood because NO ONE came over but I had heard that they announced it at church so it's not like they didn't know.  Then Chad ended up in the hospital around the same time for his appendix and once again I needed a friend and I had NO ONE.  My anxiety went through the roof.  I was on medication to help but some days it just was so much to handle that it would take over me.

Then there is always family drama in my house hold.  Someone got mad about something and I got the blame for it ALWAYS.  Why me, I guess it's easy to blame me cause I take it so personal.  I have tried all my life to be nice to others and bend my back to help those in need.  It always seems to backfire and I get the brunt of it.  Or I make a simple statement of FB and someone reads it totally wrong and then posts some negative crap on it like "why doesn't everyone grow up and stop airing their dirty laundry on FB for everyone to see".  When all it was was a statement, nothing personal.  When I need someone the most I don't have anyone.  I can't trust anyone.  I have 2 sisters that I can talk to but sometimes it doesn't help.   They understand but it just makes me more upset so I feel I can't tell anyone anything. Some days it all builds up inside to where I can't take it anymore and so I attempted suicide on May 27th, 2012.  I couldn't handle the feelings I am always having, I couldn't handle all the negativity I got from people from reading a STUPID Facebook post wrong and making negative comments.  My comments aren't always negative, they are just thoughts, written down. Kinda like a journal but where I share with others.  BIG MISTAKE.

Then every time I think something is going good I get a big slap in the face.

May 27th 2012 I had the worst anxiety attack every.  I was SO SO tired of crying, crying out for that friend I didn't have, tired of the blame for the most stupidest thing ever and I couldn't handle it anymore.  I'm tired of feeling the way I do. Feeling disliked by so many.  I have deleted a ton of people off my Facebook and sad to say most were family.  Friends come and go but you will always have your family, or so I thought.  So one night when I couldn't take anymore, I was extremely tired, tired of the crying, Just tired!  So I took 3 of my sleeping pills, Well more like 1 1/2 because I only take 1/2 pill at night, because I was so tired, so tired that I just wanted to sleep and not wake up.  I then tried to dump the bottle of them down my throat but Chad was too fast and took them from me and immediately called 911.  I don't remember much.  I ended up in the Provo Canyon Behavioral Hospital for 4 days, which for me felt like jail.   I went to a lot of therapy sessions, which helped but not enough because I still get these feelings of hate.  Hate towards me.  Still the negativity.  I still feel like I don't have "True" friends, well 1 but it's a new "relationship" and I don't know how much trust I can give to her.  My 2 sisters are great but sometimes you just need someone outside of the family.  

I try not to make any friends anymore cause I am afraid to lose them to my complaints about the struggles I have in my life.
I feel like I can't Trust anyone.

Then the day after I got out of the hospital I went into work to talk about coming back to work.  Instead of that I got Terminated.  The story has changed now 3 times of the reason I was fired, fired from a job that I absolutely loved.  I probably would have worked there the rest of my life if I hadn't of got fired for being in the hospital.

I know I need therapy but I don't have the insurance I need until next month, so I am waiting.  If I go and have to pay for therapy then that gives me MORE anxiety. It's not helping  but I got to do what I got to do and try not to have these feelings all the time.
  I DON'T want to go to LDS social services, for my own reasons, so please don't tell me to.

Now to make matters worse, My sister I have missed so much is coming home for a visit and will be here for a week. Now that I lost my job I have NO money to do anything with.  Yeah there are free things but we talked about going shopping and to dinner, which cost money.  Money I don't have.  It HURTS so bad. I have been having my anxiety for days now trying to find a way to come up with some money so I can go shopping with her and at least buy something for myself, Like selling my fridge, washer and dryer, and a few more things. That's always good therapy but I don't have that either.
Part of the problem is that my Van once again broke down at the most inconvenient time.  Monday I got to come up with at least $350 for just the radiator part, not talking about the labor, so even with my pills I have more anxiety.  How do I come up with that?

I have recently signed up for school.  I hope it will help me keep my mind off the negative in my life and not add to it so I can pursue a career that I can grow with.   Be the person I want to be.

I just want to be LOVED and feel LOVED!

Anxiety

My anxiety is KILLING ME!  Between everything that has happened in the last year, the move and other stuff that I can't even talk about, I feel like I am going to explode.  Right now it is 2 in the morning and I can't sleep (nothing new, really) but I just keep thinking of all this last year plus stuff that is going on now and it is just so much to handle.  I want to get things off my chest but I don't know if it is the right thing to do.  Grr....  I know I am just a complainer!!!  OH well.  At least no one is reading it but me!

GAH!!!

I can NOT wait to move out of this neighborhood!  People are so two faced and rude etc etc.  I think they just go to church to think that they are good.  But they never listen to what the prophet says because they sure do make people feel like Crap!  GAH.... I can't wait to get away from here so I don't have to have the anxiety I have everyday.  Then Hopefully I can forget about them!!!!

Emotions and Anxiety

Monday January 24th 2011

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me.  Like I have said before, many times, this last couple of years have been really hard.  I (we) have had a lot of things happen to us that I just feel like it has been way too much for me to handle.  There are days I feel it in my chest, I can just feel my anxiety actting up really bad and then I am done for.

I used to be very outgoing, always talked to my neighbors etc etc., but now I feel very unwelcome in our neighborhood and when I went to church yesterday I felt it even more, the reason for the anxiety.  I had to leave R.S. cause I couldn't take it anymore. 

I try not to let things bother me but things just do and I am a very emotional person therefore I feel like things are worse for me.

I hate that when I go to things there are "favoritisms' going on.  I hate that out of the like 20 kids that had a baptism last year, Savanah was the only one without a picture on the wall and her program was a mess.  I spent a lot of time on it and then it didn't get done to how I had it in the end and I was furious but what was I to do on her special day?

I hate that the only time my neighbors talk to me is when I am at church.  Am I only good enough to talk to if I go to church?

The prophet and apostles teach us all the time how we need to be a friend and a ,missionary to our neighbors, but no one really does.  They think they do but they don't, unless something happens.  Why can't people be nice to others when things aren't going wrong? And be their friend all the time instead of just when they feel like it?

I didn't have really any good friends during school, I was shy and poor so I wasn't good enough to have friends I guess.  So I have made it my goal to be a friend to everyone.  Well I tried and I just got hurt in the end.  I don't talk to anyone anymore, yesterday was the first time in months that I have been to church and I don't think I will be back cause I emotionally can not handle the unwelcomeness that I feel.

I have learned a valuable lesson living here:  Don't make good friends and talk to them about your feelings because you will just get hurt in the end.  Cause obviously they aren't the friends they say they are.  Am I ever going to try to make new friends?  Probably Not.  My emotions can't handle it and I don't want to be miserable.  I am on an Anti anxiety/ Depression medicine that does help me a lot but when you are told that you are a bad mom etc etc. then that medicine is not going to work.

If you don't have anything nice to say then DON'T say it.  You never know who you will hurt by saying it and you never know what that person will do when they just can't take it anymore.

I ask myself everyday why?  Everyone says that the lord only gives you what you can handle... Well it's not true.  I can't handle it!  I feel like I have been at the end of what I can handle for a long time. 

I am excited to move... I want to "start over" with my life.  There is nothing here keeping me here.  I'm not going to miss anything.  Well maybe the cute little girls next door to me... They are the sweetest things.  But that is not going to keep me somewhere I can't handle living anymore.

I said at the beginning of the year that I am going to make sure that there will be some good changes in my life, well this is one of them! 

Here is to a GREAT 2011!

Gratefulness = Happiness?

December 9th 2010

I read a post and would like to "contribute" to what it said...  (My thoughts on it)

This is a part of the post.

"grateful people are happy people. They are friendly, positive, and others are attracted to them. The opposite is also true; ungrateful people are blaming, negative, and unattractive to others."

I am a grateful person.  I am grateful for what I have, that doesn't mean I am always happy.  No one is always happy.   Everyone has bad days and it's the friendly people who are attractive to people cause they don't judge or treat you negatively when you have a bad day.

I am a emotional person, that is just me.  No I don't like to be and God knows that I have tried to not let things bother me so bad, but I have been hurt so much in my life that it is hard when someone treats you wrong and continues in little ways to say something about it.  I am not perfect nor never will be, but I will NEVER tell someone that they are a bad person or that they need therapy or are just a bunch of high school drama just to make me feel better.  I feel good when I treat someone with the respect that everyone deserves.  I am very friendly and I am always helpful.  I get a HIGH from serving others.  Why would I put myself down by being a negative friend/neighbor?

I am always putting myself in situations where I am the one that gets hurt, so why put myself in those situations?  I do it all the time and my family always says "why do you do that to yourself?"  My answer is... Because I LOVE helping people and doing whatever I can to help them.  I have been trying to "remove" myself from getting hurt.  It is sad the way people treat others then try to give excuses as why they did what they did.  There is NO excuse for treating people wrong PERIOD!

I had a neighbor boy, 5 years old, walk past my house with his mom while I was outside.  As he went by he said "oh no there's Stacey, we have to get away from her"  Who does that???

Kids listen to EVERYTHING you say!

If I have ever treated YOU badly, then I am truly sorry because I know how it feels to be that person.  I never try to treat anyone bad, but like I said I am not perfect and everyone makes mistakes.  You just have to learn from them.  I have made mistakes in my life that I have learned from now, but I will be the better person for being the kind and friendly person that I try to be.

I am Grateful that I am who I am.  I may not be happy all the time (I have had a bad year)

Thank You to those that have continued to treat me as I/you would want to be treated.  You are the people that make others GRATEFUL for the friends/family that you have. 

Here's to making 2011 the Best Year Ever!

Why do I try????

August 23rd 2010

I don't even know why I try anymore... Everytime I do it gets slapped in my face. I have no right to feelings I guess because my feelings are WRONG! Why I don't know? Now I just get treated like crap because of my feelings! I can't change who I am so if you don't like how I am then don't try to be my friend! Don't try to Change ME!